Fighting Like Two Brothers Who've Got The Pox

Tough tackling Arsenal midfielder Robert Pires has found a new ally in his battle for an extended contract at Highbury in the shape of Tony Blair. In a twist that doesn't even do this surreal blog justice, the Highbury Hardman will soon be able to take advantage of new Employment Regulations that forbid any employer discriminating against employees on the grounds of age. Apparently, when these rules come into law on October 1st 2006, L'Enforcer will be able to sue Arsenal if he is only offered a one year extension on the basis that he is over thirty years of age when younger players are able to gain five year contracts on roughly 40% more pay each week. Pires it seems will be able to take Arsenal for millions according to the sharks, without lifting a finger or putting much effort in. Curiously enough, this is exactly what he did for the first four months of the season so it remains to be seen if anyone will be able to notice the difference.

The identity of the new investor in Liverpool Football Club became known today when Condeleeza Rice flew into John Lennon Airport on a whistle stop tour of the North West. It had previously been thought that Spanish Swagman Jose Billabong was the leading player but he has since decided to go Waltzing Matilda instead. According to well informed sources, Rice is keen to invest in the club as money can't buy her love. Sorry, as a means to pursuing the biggest source of evil that European Football has ever faced, namely Chelsea FC. It is believed that she wants Peter Crouch to head up a new initiative on Merseyside - strikers that score goals on a regular basis. Rice confirmed this when she cited Peter Crouch as the biggest "weapon of mass distraction the footballing world has ever seen". She further commented that he was the most entertaining player to watch since Bambi stumbled onto a frozen pond. Well, she obviously didn't see Gus Caesar in the 1988 Littlewoods Cup Final then.

Having bitched and baited the clubs, UEFA has gone back to its' favourite pastime of criticising FIFA president Darth Blatter. According to a Nyon suit, Blatters comments about the G-14 have been less than helpful. Presumably those attributed to Lars-Christer Olsson, the erstwhile UEFA Chief Executive, about the group are helpful, constructive criticism. Just in case you missed them, I reproduce them below:

"Actually we don't have a relationship with the G-14, so it's quite simple from our point of view"

"We don't think they are of any relevance for European football as an organisation."

"We don't really see the need for a grouping like the G-14, unless they would like to discuss their internal matters - and this is fine."

"To be honest, I can't identify one single matter where they have made a difference - where they have even had a joint opinion" (Ed - I presume Mr Olsson has not heard of the legal action in which the G-14 is backing Charleroi against FIFA. Seems pretty unified to me.)

These quotes are extracted from a report on the BBC Sports Website, the full text of which can be found here

Todays Tunes are from the finest band ever to come from the city of Hull, The Red Guitars. A band that was highly rated by the critics - I've never worked out if that is a compliment or a curse - they produced two albums that I can recall, the superb Slow To Fade followed by the not so superb but better than anything 98% of all chart groups can ever hope to produce, Tales Of The Expected. These two tracks are from the former:

Steeltown

Marimba Jive