Agents Of Change

FIFA have on their website, http://www.fifa.com/, published their Report, “Task Force: For The Good Of The Game” which will be ratified at their next World Congress having received Darth Blatters’ approval earlier this week. The document is a broad-brush summary of their aims and methodology for achieving those aims, covering Politics, Finance and

One of the sections deals with Agents and how to improve the transparency of any transactions that they are involved in, alongside how to generally improve the behaviour of Agents ensuring that certain professional standards are met. One proposal is a cycle of Continuing Professional Development, much like those employed by Lawyers and Accountants. FIFA are so bold as to suggest that the Agents may want to consider sitting exams “every few years” to ensure their competence is maintained. The Agents that is, as opposed to FIFA who are universally derided as incompetent.

A Cultured Left Foot has been handed a copy of the next exams, which cost only a years supply of assorted brown paper bags and envelopes, and reproduces a sample of the questions below:

1. Your client, Club A, asks you to find a suitable buyer for Player X. They specify the fee you should quote. Do you:

a. Ask for the price requested and make no further demands for fees, etc.
b. Work your socks off to achieve a deal everyone is happy with
c. Offer to negotiate a 20% cash discount, deposits to be made into offshore bank...

2. What colour are the highest denomination of notes of your country of residence:

a. Brown
b. Purple
c. Green
d. Don’t know. Have never seen through the brown paper bag.

3. Which is the odd one out:

a. Agent
b. Honesty
c. Bung

4. Player A has another Agent representing him. You think you can make a quick buck, sorry, better job of maximising his commercial revenues. How do you approach the player to ensure he signs your contract:

a. Provide a strong commercial case for him appointing you
b. Offer to undercut his current Agents fees
c. Tell him that unless he signs your contract, the photos of him and the 15 year old Thai ladyboy will find their way to the News Of The World Sports’ Desk.

Current Transfer Rumours from THOF include Pires off to Rangers – He’s not according to his agent…Henry off to Internazionale for £20m in the summer being replaced by Fernando Torres for £16m…Joey Barton signing for £12m…The world’s tallest footballer, Nicola Zigic for £7m, roughly a million quid per foot…Ashley Cole to Madrid with either Beckham, Robinho or Baptista going in the opposite direction…Theo Walcott will join Rangers on a season long deal…Yobo or Ledley King will move to THOF this summer, replacing Sol Campbell…Mikeal Landrau will sign as the long term replacement for Jens Lehmann…Arsenal set to piss Barca off by signing their youth international Fran Merida for peanuts. All of these and more complete bollocks can be found at Football Rumours.

Todays Tunes take in two tracks by The Skids, including in their ranks the late, lamented Stuart Adamson and the preposterously prententious Richard Jobson. Personally, I prefer The Armoury Show stuff to the latter Skids efforts but the recently remastered Days In Europa is still a classic album. Kicking off with The Saints Are Coming there follows a cover of Bowie's All The Young Dudes made famous by Mott The Hoople.